the condom got lost in my hair
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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