hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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