I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
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I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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