His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
