Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
