this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
