I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
