dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
