matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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