never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
