im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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