dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
