just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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