so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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