I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
