the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
