If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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