I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
