dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
