I got chris browned last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
