I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
