Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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