no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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