Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
