i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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