you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
