just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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