You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
