i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
