I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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