Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
