I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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