Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
