I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend