I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.