Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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