How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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