She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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