It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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