i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
