he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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