Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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