I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
