It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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