I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
