I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
