Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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