you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
