Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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