Where is the hickey?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Randomize
