Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
