Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
