Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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