I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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