just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
