I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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