I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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