I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Did you just see the Batmobile???
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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