Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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